Thoughts and Memories

Just a man and his thoughts

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Something short, so that I can go to sleep

I told Sam that I liked Ting Ke today. But it wasn't really voluntary. I wanted to ask him about methods or ways to carry on or start a conversation with someone you like. And he suddenly blurted out, "Wait, the person that you like isn't Ting Ke right?" I never really thought much about what he said then, and I felt that yes, it's time for me to be a bro and reveal that I do.

Now that I have more time to think, I gotta wonder: What's with the sudden outburst? Does it really matter who the person I like is? And when I later revealed to him that Sensei has been "feeding" me information about her, he got really interested again and asked what was said information. Didn't relay that to him. Does... he like her also? Or maybe they're already in a relationship. I.... tend to notice a lot more subtle stuff than most other people. Though, it is always my conjectures and nothing else. No hard facts, no concrete truths. So... Naturally, I will arrive at the conclusion that he either likes her or they're already in a relationship. He told me time and again that he already has a Japanese girlfriend, but I have no idea how true that is.

I hate this part of me. My experiences in secondary school has moulded me into becoming a naturally suspicious, inquisitive and wild thinking person. I always end up thinking that everybody could and will stab me in the back given an opportunity. But Sam could just be an uber bro and is asking about my love life and well-being, as I've been complaining about that a lot. If this is the case (which it most likely is), wouldn't that make me a Grade A asshole for doubting him?

Attempting to change this habit of mine isn't easy at all. My life in the past had a lot of people stabbing me in the back and myself doing likewise. But I have somebody that I truly like now. I have to change. I only have about 3 months left. I'm eventually going to confess. If she rejects me, yes, I'll probably wallow in self pity and denial for several days and possibly cry a lot. But.... this time, I can proudly say that I tried and never gave up.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Here it comes again... Again.

I've been using the iPhone app of Blogger to write my posts, so this is one of the only few times I'm using my own computer to do so. And surprisingly, from the statistics on the front page, this blog actually gets page views. But with such a generic address, I'm not really surprised. Page views are probably from people accidentely stumbling onto this blog when they're searching for something via Google. I don't give a damn about page views in any case, so why am I talking about this?

2 posts on 2 consecutive days must be a record for me. Disregarding the blog I wrote during my secondary days, this must be a first for me ever since the latter was shut down. Though, one may count this particular post as a follow up to the last one, since I don't have the capacity to sit through and type a long post. In my last post, I talked about how somebody reignited the feeling of love within me. I met her again today. But it wasn't just the two of us. It was more of an "Outside Class Lesson" as my Sensei put it. Ergo, most of the class was there. Now, there's this other guy in the class, lets call him John. John is probably in every way better than me. He stays in a condominium, so he's probably wealthy. He's definitely better than me in terms of Academics. He's a lot more outgoing compared to the relatively introverted me. The only thing that I'm better at are sports, but that's not saying much. Why am I talking about John? Because deep down, I always felt that the girl in question admires him. Perhaps not necessarily to the point of love, but yeah. John had told me he had a Japanese girlfriend, so I'm probably safe on the notion of him not liking the girl I like. If that's the case, why am I seemingly spouting incoherant nonsense again?

Back in secondary school, whenever the girl I liked, communicated in close proximity with another guy, I got really really jealous. Now, this is something I'd like to call a "Seed of Evil" that resides within me. It's not a good feeling, and I get touched by the Seed more often than not. It's something that I've yet to conquer. But seeing as how I have not liked anyone since Secondary 3, which was roughly 7 years ago, that is to be expected. Compared to my past shitty self, I'm definitely a lot more matured than he is. And being more matured has allowed me to point out this "Seed" before it got any worse. See where this is going? Seeing the girl I like - let's call her Jane -, communicating in close proximity to John awakened the dormant "Seed" that is inside of me. This sucks. This should not happen. John is a wonderful friend, and I should continue this friendship instead of feeling malice. This is probably one of the biggest things I should conquer before I'm qualified to love somebody again. This "Seed" is the reason most relationships fail. Because the male failed to fully trust the female and/or vice versa. Defeating this "Seed" isn't an easy task. Failure would mean spoiling a perfectly good friendship, and potentially costing me a relationship with the girl. I don't know how I can do it, but I will try.

In other dreaded related news, I messed up a perfectly good chance to talk to her during our train ride home. Granted, we were only left alone 4 stops before I had to alight, but that should be more than enough time to strike a conversation, and maybe continuing it via Whatsapp or SMS. I can only blame myself for this failure, as I was too much of a wuss to start talking to her. Funny thing is, I used to have no problem talking to her. After confirming and reinforcing my affection for her though, it all started downhill. Like I wrote in my previous post, I tend to think up a lot of different factors rather than thinking of how to initiate a conversation. I have no idea what to say to her anymore. Though I currently have one chance to talk to her, and another when I attempt to give her her gift when it arrives. Again, I shall try.

This is regressing back to my old secondary school days blog. Slowly, I start losing the interest to attempt to write in slightly more complex English. Slowly, the blog will turn into a page of rant and worries instead of writing practices. Are these due to effects of being in love? They say a man loses all notion of calmness and tactness when facing somebody he likes. I guess that falls to me as well. I like the feeling of liking someone, but I don't like the fact that it's interferring with my ability to produce something creative, or enjoy the things that I like doing. I spend these time worrying about her, fretting about how to talk to her, and thinking up of ways to make myself more attractive so that I can appeal to her more. She likes the boy bands produced by the japanese company "Johnny", and yes, they are pretty boys. Though she doesn't seem like the type to fancy looks in real relationships.

Gah. See, it's happening again. Save me, Love Gurus!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Here it comes again

I'm confused. Or troubled to say the least. This feeling that I thought I'd lost after secondary school had resurfaced within me these few weeks. Though, looking back, that was more of a teenager's crush instead of something real. This time however, when I thought it wasn't possible to find that right somebody for me, I found her.

The girl in question is a fellow classmate at my Japanese Language class. I had no idea when these feelings started, but it did. I experienced none of this during my 3 years in Polytechnic, even with a girl amongst my best group of friends. It's here this time though. She might not be considered a Class A beauty to most, but she's insanely cute in my eyes. Bespectacled, and petite with long hair. Though her looks isn't what attracted me to her, it's more of her personality. She's smart, have an equal amount of interest in Japanese culture than me, cosplays, and generally does basically the same stuff as me, excluding drawing,

This began my official courtship of her. I messaged her, tried to talk more to her in class and after, invite her out, though only once, basically wanting to know more about her. My stupid mind tends to drift off to different stuff though. As much as possible, when we talk through SMS, I try to strike up or continue the conversation. When she doesn't reply for a long while though, I tend to think: "Am I overdoing this? Is she pissed off at me for some reason? Did I drop too big of a notification that I like her? Did the message not get sent through?". WTF brain. She could just be busy, lost Internet connection, or something along those lines. Sometimes I even think that she already has that significant someone and all I'm doing is for naught. I'm a pretty pessimistic person, so I tend to think of these things a lot. And when I do, that impedes my ability to produce anything creative, enjoy what I'm doing, and not feel like doing anything in general. Gah. Fuck my brain.

I do hope this works out though, this is my very first time actively pursuing a girl that I like, and I'm trying to do things in moderation as much as I can. It's about time I started fighting for what I want.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012




僕の日本語はあまり上手じゃないですから。。。授業の時、よく話せません。This gives others the impression that I'm a naturally quiet and shy person. 僕は本当に恥ずかしい。でも僕は静かじゃない! In fact, 僕はとても煩いよ!


Brain's shorted out of anymore story ideas so I'll probably be doing more Japanese posts for now, if nothing else, it helps me to slowly perfect my command of the Japanese language.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Writing Practice (2)

This is an all too familiar scene. A room devoid of all colors. Nothing really stands out from the ordinary. The shelves are choke full of files which contains what I presume are drafts. The chairs and tables are all wooden. The same old standing fan is plugged into the power socket in the corner. Only the occasional figurine differentiates this failure of an office with the rest. I wonder... Do all the editors in the world have the same boring room?

What I'm going through now is hardly anything foreign either. Sitting down facing an almost grumpy man who is currently reviewing my drafts. The minutes experienced felt like hours. And even without doing anything, I'm breaking out into a cold sweat. This nervousness of mine should have long been conquered, but it always reemerges at the wrong time. As usual, this is a make-it, break-it moment. Maki said she had a good feeling about this one. Maybe the editor will share her sentiments? My thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a loud clearing of throat. I looked up to see the editor with a grim look. Damn, this didn't work out either..

"Rejected. Sorry, but we cannot accept this."
"I... I understand. Sorry for wasting so much of your time."

I gave a polite bow to the editor and walked out quickly.

This feeling of dejectment isn't new either. I always end up feeling this way after a trip to the editor's office. This makes the sixth draft already. I must be breaking some sort of rejected manga drafts record by now. This also poses a new problem: What the hell am I supposed to survive on next month? My paltry savings can only last me till the end of the month, and that's already pushing it. Ugh. Well, guess I can try to look on the bright side. Maki owes me dinner now. Knowing Maki though, it probably isn't going to be a very good meal. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers. At least that's one meal I don't have to worry about.

As usual, Maki is waiting for me at the cafe near the editorial. All these thinking nearly made me forget that I was supposed to meet her straight after. I walked into the cafe. This is hardly a fancy cafe. Everything about this place is ordinary. The decor in here makes my plain room look like a hotel suite in comparison. That's okay though. Maki and I like this place because it reminds us of home. Not to mention the foodand beverages served here are a lot cheaper than those fancy joints. I kinda wonder how the owner stays in business for so long though, given the fact that Maki and I were his only two regulars.

"The usual please."
"Ah, that friend of yours have already ordered for you. Still want a second cup of Joe?"
"Uhh, yeah sure, why not? Couldn't hurt to drink more."
"Coming right up then."

And sitting over at the far end of the cafe with a blank look on her face was Maki. I can't really consider outselves to be childhood friends, especially since we only got to know each other in high school. Back then, she was one of the few who did not laugh at me when I wrote drawing in our future career form. We've been getting along ever since.

Maki was apparently lost in thought as she failed to notice me approaching. My butt meeting the soft cushioned chair seemed to have changed that fact however, as she quickly looked up in surprise.

"That took longer than usual."
"How'd it go?"
"No good this time either. Looks like you owe me a meal."
"That fat lecher rejected your drafts again?"
"Yeap, he did."
"I wasn't surprised somehow though. Kinda thought this would happen again."

"Here's your coffee."
The cafe owner set down a steaming cup of hot coffee on the table. Without saying another word, he walked back to his usual place bshine the counter. Instinctively, I reached out for the handle of the cup and proceeded to take a sip. Tastes normal, as usual. But it always has this flair to it.

"Too much coffee isn't good for your health y'know?"
"Ah, give me a break. I happen to like coffee. A little extra wouldn't hurt."
"Don't expect me to help you when you're suffering from a heart attack."

She looks grumpy. Maybe it's because I didn't manage to make the cut again. Or maybe it's just because of my caffeine addiction.

"So what's next for you?"
"I don't know. Try again perhaps?"
"Ever thought of changing editors instead? You still have your old drafts right? I'm sure one of them will be successful."
"Ah, well. I told myself that this is a personal challenge I'm giving myself. If I'm able to get through this guy, I should be able to conquer everyone else right?"
"Sometimes I wonder where you get all this positiveness from."
"Well, fine. Keep working on it. I'm always behind you."
"Thanks Maki, I wouldn't be able to last this long without you."

Friday, January 13, 2012

Troubles (1)

Because I have something on my mind, I'll try writing it down in the form of a story. Writing practices are always helpful. This will be my first time writing a non-fiction story. Even now, I'm wondering how to start this off. No idea how well I'll fare either, but like I said, writing practices are always helpful. Gives me an opportunity to learn in any case. Well, here goes.


Stress. A strange word. A foreign word not commonly found in my dictionary. This word however, has managed to inch it's way in little by little this past month. The deep recesses of my cranium had tried to put up a defense against this foreign entity. A defense which proved to be highly ineffective. Now, I start to feel that my very hair is turning ash gray. My usual daily motions has turned shallow. Those who know me might even say that I'm a shadow of my former self. What if they're wrong? What if my true nature is always like this, and my other self is just another mask I wear to protect my true self? Regardless, they aren't entirely wrong.

My problem stems not from that accursed place in which I currently work at. No. It stems from myself. Myself from a few years back to be exact.

I've always known what I want to become in the future. It may not be a childhood dream, but it is a dream I have had for more than 7 years now. Many people say that this isn't a good dream to pursue. The hours are long and the pay little. So little that you can never hope to make a living based on this alone. The sad, cold, and hard truth is they're right. I've already known this fact for a little while now, so I keep telling myself it's alright. And yes, I keep believing that as long as I don't give up, I can make this dream a reality. But now that my 2 years of service is almost done, the reality is coming back to me again. I've been escaping. Escaping from the fact that I will most probably lack the capabilities to support myself in the future. The world is harsh, and money is about the only thing that matters to anybody now. With the cost of living in the world inflating so horrendously, I might not survive out there. People more talented than me in ways I can only imagine already have a tough time working in this industry. So where does this leave me?

After talking so much about this, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I regret deeply that I wasted my youth away while I can be practicing on my drawing and writing. I've been trying to make up for the lost years and trying to get back to where I left off. Time however, is a luxury I do not have. Back at the accursed place, I've been slapped with all kinds of duties and things that are not really my obligations. These duties keep coinciding with whatever day offs they have scheduled for us. Needless to say, these offs are but a distant dream. It is so near, yet so far, and I will never be able to grasp onto them. I can only watch as these things drift furthur and furthur away from me. What little time I have now, I try to keep them in check. Trying to balance my wants and needs along with my desires to furthur myself in terms of artistic and literal progress have proven to be rather difficult.

That isn't the end of my troubles however. I needed to find a Japanese animation school that will take me. But before that, I needed to get my command of the Japanese language up to speed, which admitably is proving to be a rather difficult task in itself. All these, and covered with the real fact of cold hard cash. Going to a foreign country to study isn't cheap at all. Although my family isn't poor, I can't say that we're rich either. We make just enough to get us by every month, and sending someone abroad to study will take a significant amount out of our savings. I only have the thousands to go by in my bank account, and with the paltry amount I make every month, It isn't going to be antwhere near enough. I try not to depend too much on my parents for financial support. The money that they painstakingly made should only be used by them, and not for my personal needs.

All these problems are bearing down on my psyche. Coupled with the fact that I know I'm alone pursuing all these. None in my circle is going anywhere similar and some haven't even thought about their plans for the future. I feel that I'm wandering into a deep dark abyss without any light, without any company. It scares me. For once in my life, I'm genuinely afraid of the future and the uncertainty it holds. Will starting a family be possible? Will I die a lonely, miserable death in some old apartment without fulfilling my dream? I desperately need some help, but from whom? Who has knowledge enough to lead me into the unknown? Am I able to find out the answers to these problems myself? I have no idea.

I'm not getting any younger, yet I haven't done anything worthy to make people remember that I existed. Maybe I'm too sheltered. Maybe I'm just overthinking things too much. But the problems are very real. And now, I'm starting to doubt that I have the ability to solve these. I'll still press on ahead, and try to make these last few months as fulfilling as possible. It isn't too late. I can still salvage this with proper self discipline and some hard work.

I just wish I could get a few more extra days to clear my mind...


After thoughts: turned out too much to be a normal blog post. But considering my current state of emotion, that is to be understood.

The feelings conveyed through that short story is very real. I cannot afford to fuck around any longer. Time to buck up... Me.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

Writing Practice (1)

My eyes squint as I stare at the window beside me. Rays of the morning sun has begun to pour into my otherwise dark room. My curtains lay dangling as I had forgetten yet again to shut them at night. The air conditioning I had on since yesterday had degraded my room temperature into a winter-esque degree and is making me shiver. I stood up and stretched my frozen body, letting out a loud yawn in the process. Sleep has eluded me once again and seems to be turning into a foreign and mysterious word nowadays. Satisfied with the stretch and feeling a little less sleepy than before, I returned my attention to the computer screen in front of me. A blank document. It isn't actually blank though... It was filled with a bunch of incoherent sentences and words that I presumed I typed out in my sleep, so it might as well be a blank piece of document. I didn't know what to write. Spending a few sleepless nights thinking about it didn't help either, as evidenced by the rubbish that is in front of me. Trying again to write down something so that it wasn't a complete waste of time staying up, I looked around my mess of a room for inspiration. Reference materials are lying all over the floor, to the point that it was almost impossible to see the floor beneath. Empty lunchboxes still in their plastic bags are bundled up in a corner of the room. ...It's kinda impossible to derive any sort of inspiration from this mess.

My mind, apparently having decided to shut itself up like a young teenager that just broke up with his other half, did not function as well as I'd like it to be. Resolving to return to this a little later, I stood up again, knocking a few of the many empty energy boosting drink cans that was sprawled all over my computer desk. I dragged my feet towards the kitchen and opened the small refridgerator door. Food however, was non-existant inside, and I grabbed another energy boosting drink again. Returning to my other workspace near my computer table, I slammed the can of drink onto the wooden table and picked up a pencil that was carelessly left at the edge. This particular workspace wasn't exactly tidy either. Pieces of half-drawn materials and blank pieces of paper are sprawled all over the already small table. Crunched up rejects are around the table, building up to a sizable amount. Maybe I'll start to seriously clean this room up when I have the time, which seems to be a luxury these few days. A luxury which I don't have. I gave myself a light slap on the cheek to stay awake, which worked for a good 10 seconds before I felt groggy again. Without much of a choice, I snapped open the lid of the can drink next to me and gulped the entirety of its contents. Unfortunately though, any form of energy boosting seems to have lost its effects. Probably because this was my entire diet for the past 2 days. Despite my body's overwhelming cry to let it sleep, the hand which is loosely gripping a pencil started to move on the blank canvas. The rough image of what I wanted on the canvas had started to slowly appear in my mind. Although, the current fragility of it caused the image to quickly disappear, and what appeared on the canvas is a distorted monstrosity that vaguely resembles a human. Maybe I have a talent for drawing gorey monsters.

At this point in time, my bodily functions has started to shut down. My hand lost grip of the pencil. The coldness of my body could no longer be felt. The light sound of the air conditioner running had stopped. Now this is bad. My mind, while not my strongest and most durable feature, was one of the last to shut down and die. The last thought in my head was a bed. And out of compliance with this fact, my legs started to automatically move towards the nearest bed. That's weird... I remember my bed being here. What was in its supposed place however was a mountain of books. Oh well, I guess sleeping on a chair isn't that bad. I retraced my steps, but my chair - no - my entire workspace was gone. In its place is a grumpy old man wearing a sweater. I know him. He's my editor. Probably here for my drafts again. Hahahah. Fuck you old man, you ain't gonna get it now that my workspace's disappeared. Come to think of it, even if it hasn't, all he's going to get is an empty document and a half drawn humanish monster. Guess it doesn't really matter anymore. I'm so tired that I could sleep anywhere. And look at that, my entire room turned into a flower garden. "I'm sorry flowers, but I going to have to sleep on you". I let my instincts take over and fell face first into the flower field. Huh. Pretty hard for flowers. But I didn't care, sleep is the utmost priority now. Maybe I'll go and look for my room once I wake up. Yeah, that's a good idea...

I suddenly felt a sharp jab to my sides. Ouch. Didn't know flowers had thorns. Ignoring the pain, I went back to sleep. But no sooner came another sharp jab. The flowers are seemingly reluctant to let me sleep on them. But I didn't care. The flowers are not taking this gesture very well apparently as I felt a sharp pain to my abdomen. "Ouch!" I sat up in pain quickly... face-to-face with an all too familiar female. And apparently I'm back in my own room too... sitting on top of opened hard-covered books. "It's about time you woke up." yelled the female. I ignored her and stretched. Wow, what an insane dream that was. I took a peek at the clock dangling off my wall. 8.30am. Guess I've been asleep far longer than necessary. "Hey, don't ignore me!" yelled the female again. "Shut up, I'm getting up already." I said lazily. After awhile, I do actually get up and started to stretch again. The female gave an exaggerated sigh. "You know, you can try sleeping on your bed for once." she said I looked at her with my half asleep eyes. "You changed your hairstyle." I think that got her blood boiling. "W..wha!? Don't ignore what I said! Yeah, I changed my hairstyle, so what?" "...It looks good on you." "...!" Her cheeks flushed red. "Shut up! Get changed! We're almost late!" she yelled before stomping off outside. "Heh, that got her off my back."

After thoughts: Deviated too much from what I originally intended. Story warped when approaching the "dream" portion. Must take into consideration original intention and a clear path to convey that intention.

Oh yes, I'll be doing more of these practices. If I'm writing, might as well show it to the occasional guy who stumbles into this place right? Anyway, it's good practice, and goes to show how much I have to go to improve.