Troubles (1)

Because I have something on my mind, I'll try writing it down in the form of a story. Writing practices are always helpful. This will be my first time writing a non-fiction story. Even now, I'm wondering how to start this off. No idea how well I'll fare either, but like I said, writing practices are always helpful. Gives me an opportunity to learn in any case. Well, here goes.

....

Stress. A strange word. A foreign word not commonly found in my dictionary. This word however, has managed to inch it's way in little by little this past month. The deep recesses of my cranium had tried to put up a defense against this foreign entity. A defense which proved to be highly ineffective. Now, I start to feel that my very hair is turning ash gray. My usual daily motions has turned shallow. Those who know me might even say that I'm a shadow of my former self. What if they're wrong? What if my true nature is always like this, and my other self is just another mask I wear to protect my true self? Regardless, they aren't entirely wrong.

My problem stems not from that accursed place in which I currently work at. No. It stems from myself. Myself from a few years back to be exact.

I've always known what I want to become in the future. It may not be a childhood dream, but it is a dream I have had for more than 7 years now. Many people say that this isn't a good dream to pursue. The hours are long and the pay little. So little that you can never hope to make a living based on this alone. The sad, cold, and hard truth is they're right. I've already known this fact for a little while now, so I keep telling myself it's alright. And yes, I keep believing that as long as I don't give up, I can make this dream a reality. But now that my 2 years of service is almost done, the reality is coming back to me again. I've been escaping. Escaping from the fact that I will most probably lack the capabilities to support myself in the future. The world is harsh, and money is about the only thing that matters to anybody now. With the cost of living in the world inflating so horrendously, I might not survive out there. People more talented than me in ways I can only imagine already have a tough time working in this industry. So where does this leave me?

After talking so much about this, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I regret deeply that I wasted my youth away while I can be practicing on my drawing and writing. I've been trying to make up for the lost years and trying to get back to where I left off. Time however, is a luxury I do not have. Back at the accursed place, I've been slapped with all kinds of duties and things that are not really my obligations. These duties keep coinciding with whatever day offs they have scheduled for us. Needless to say, these offs are but a distant dream. It is so near, yet so far, and I will never be able to grasp onto them. I can only watch as these things drift furthur and furthur away from me. What little time I have now, I try to keep them in check. Trying to balance my wants and needs along with my desires to furthur myself in terms of artistic and literal progress have proven to be rather difficult.

That isn't the end of my troubles however. I needed to find a Japanese animation school that will take me. But before that, I needed to get my command of the Japanese language up to speed, which admitably is proving to be a rather difficult task in itself. All these, and covered with the real fact of cold hard cash. Going to a foreign country to study isn't cheap at all. Although my family isn't poor, I can't say that we're rich either. We make just enough to get us by every month, and sending someone abroad to study will take a significant amount out of our savings. I only have the thousands to go by in my bank account, and with the paltry amount I make every month, It isn't going to be antwhere near enough. I try not to depend too much on my parents for financial support. The money that they painstakingly made should only be used by them, and not for my personal needs.

All these problems are bearing down on my psyche. Coupled with the fact that I know I'm alone pursuing all these. None in my circle is going anywhere similar and some haven't even thought about their plans for the future. I feel that I'm wandering into a deep dark abyss without any light, without any company. It scares me. For once in my life, I'm genuinely afraid of the future and the uncertainty it holds. Will starting a family be possible? Will I die a lonely, miserable death in some old apartment without fulfilling my dream? I desperately need some help, but from whom? Who has knowledge enough to lead me into the unknown? Am I able to find out the answers to these problems myself? I have no idea.

I'm not getting any younger, yet I haven't done anything worthy to make people remember that I existed. Maybe I'm too sheltered. Maybe I'm just overthinking things too much. But the problems are very real. And now, I'm starting to doubt that I have the ability to solve these. I'll still press on ahead, and try to make these last few months as fulfilling as possible. It isn't too late. I can still salvage this with proper self discipline and some hard work.

I just wish I could get a few more extra days to clear my mind...

.....

After thoughts: turned out too much to be a normal blog post. But considering my current state of emotion, that is to be understood.

The feelings conveyed through that short story is very real. I cannot afford to fuck around any longer. Time to buck up... Me.