Goodbye, my teenage self.
At the time of writing this, I officially only have 36 hours left until I have to enlist into the army. But that's not what I'm feeling moody about. The way I look at it, my teenage life ends in 36 hours. Technically, my teenagehood already ended back on 10th May where I officially turned 21, but I gave myself up till my enlistment date to step out of teenagehood. I gotta say... the past few years has been fun. It's been a blast. It was during this period of time where I met my best friends. It was during this period of time where I experienced life's ups and downs. It was during this period that I (hopefully) matured and grew up. But now, reality is sinking in. I'm taking my first steps into adulthood. My decisions carry a lot more weight now. I can no longer spend my money on random stuff anymore. I have to think of how to support myself in the future. These are foreign things. Things that I never had to do seriously before. Enough of that however.... the whole purpose of this is to review my life so far, and my personal thoughts on the matter.
Back in Secondary School, I was a capital-A Asshole. Even way back in Secondary 1. I was also a 'SOB' who gets angry very very easily. To make things worse, I look like a frickin' nerd with short pants back then. Needless to say, I have a lot of "hidden enemies". People didn't like me, but they never actually told me straight to the face, so I took them for granted. I got progressively worse in Secondary 2. I acted like a high and mighty bastard who thought he knew what he was doing. There was a period of time which really stuck to my memory, where there was a molester prowling around in my neighborhood, with my own sister being one of his victims. Because I really liked this girl back then and I feared she might be the molester's next victim, I offered to be a "Guardian" of some sort to her. Without her consent, I began to escort her to school every single morning. Without her consent, I refused to let anybody near her. My memory has gotten really fuzzy up till this point. I only remember that, being the nice girl that she was, she politely rejected my "services" after a week or so. I still didn't feel like an idiot back then. In fact, I thought that I was some kind of a hero, which I'm evidently not. Up till today, I still haven't told the girl that I liked her, but my feelings for her had already long dissipated. I somewhat "un-nerdified" during Secondary 2, but I was still an asshole. I openly stated I hated one of my classmates, who was called 'E' and thought I had people to back me up. Though, looking back, I had none. It was also during this year that one of my best friends transferred into my class, although we barely knew each other then.
During Secondary 3, I was thrown into a class together with the biggest bunch of assholes and bitches ever to be assembled. This was the start of my upper secondary life, marked by our transition from short pants to long pants. This was when it started to get good. These assholes and bitches became somewhat like brothers and sisters to me. Starting from this year, we were known as the infamous 'Class 3-2'. Every other morning, we would be in the morning assembly. Not that it was anything good mind you. It was usually because of disciplinary issues. Because most of my new classmates were unknown, I stuck around the group of friends that got into the same class as me. Still being the poor oblivious fucker, I continued taking their friendship (if you could call it that) for granted. I treated my newer friends like dirt, because I barely knew them at all. This also marked my beginning in the game, 'Ragnarok Online'. That same bunch of friends and myself played in the same private server, with me establishing a guild named 'Celestial'. I vaguely recall that this was one of the earliest time that I made friends with my good buddy 'M'. If I recall correctly, 'M' was also one of the first few members of my guild. Together with him, we embarked on a boss-killing spree. We could down almost all the bosses with just us two. However, after the actual boss was dead, I kept all of the loot and did not share it with 'M'. Asshole much? Yeah. My other friends started to join and... that was that. We established a name for ourselves on that server and even owned a castle. Back in real life, I remember that most of my classmates picked on this poor dude called 'Ka'. I'm ashamed to say that I partook in the initial bullying of 'Ka'.
"Now I face out, I hold out, I reach out to the truth of my life. Seeking to seize on the whole moment to now break away." - Reach Out to the Truth, Persona 4
The end of year examinations came, and I just barely made it past into Secondary 4. Our class was now known as 'Class 4-2'. The bunch of us was still playing RO happily. Until an incident happened. One fine day, while we were playing, I recieved a PM from 'E'. The message was something like 'Hey man, the other castle has no defenders, want me to sneak in and break the emperium?'. I still hated him (for reasons that I've forgotten) at that time, and I wanted to get him in some way. I then approved of his actions to take the castle for ourselves. One day later, the owners of said castle came online, and was shocked to see that it had already changed hands. They had invested millions of zeny (currency in RO) into the castle. And because we (I?) took it from them, the millions of zeny that were pumped into the castle had all went down the drain. The entire server went into an uproar. I was confronted by the leader of the now castleless guild. Being scared and afraid, I pushed all the blame to 'E', stating he was the one who attacked the castle and I had nothing to do with it. This pacified things with the leader of the guild. However, it was a completely different story with 'E' and my group of friends then. Because of my actions, I was ostracized and shunned by them both in real life, and in-game. During gatherings in school, I was always sitting alone by myself, while there was a huge group of my once friends sitting at the other end of the room. In-game, all of them left the guild and made one of their own, which I could only remember as the 'Pikachu Guild'. Needless to say, it didn't feel very good at all. I apologised to them a week later, and they seemingly accepted the apology. But they didn't come back. The deed was done. I treated it as an open message from them saying that they hate me. During all this hoo-hah, one guy stood his ground with me in the guild, and that was 'M'. It was like a pillar of light shining through pitch black darkness then. He questioned me about my decision then, but I made excuses.
It wasn't until many years later that I finally found the courage to admit to my misdeeds. I think it was during this period of time that I was officially picked up by 'J' and 'M'. They were my best and possibly only friends then. We called ourselves 'The Outcasts' and even named ourselves 'JMF', going as far as drinking an absolutely disgusting pile of shit (we called it the 'Brotherhood Drink') during graduation day. I also remember that we used to go to the nearby food court and eat noodles every single day after school. Of course, while all this happened stealthily, the rest of my classmates was still doing their same antics. And although my prior group of friends and I no longer clicked, we were still on speakable terms. My class totally destroyed the school that year. We made teachers cry. We engage in fights. We vandalized our classroom to such an extent that it looked more like a fish market than a classroom. We hung our dirty, wet, and smelly laundry in class. We boycotted tuitions. We stared down on juniors who came into our classroom until they didn't dare to come in again. We played beyblades and yoyos in class. 'Twas awesome really. It was like the school deliberately dumped all the delinquents into the same class so as to minimise casualties.
Then came the end of the year. I failed Math in the O Levels. Because of this, I was forced to retake the subject for one year. During this time, the legendary 'Class 4-2' was disbanded. And from what I heard from my juniors then, the next class 4-2 was a bunch of goody-two-shoes. Nothing at all like us. I remember that during this time, I had a falling out with 'J' over something. This part of what he said also stuck to my memory: '..... at least I got somewhere to go.' He was evidently mocking the fact that I was unable to furthur my studies while he could. I grew emo and I distanced myself away from everybody. It was then that I openly told everyone in a blog post, that I hated all of them. Even 'M'. For a long period of time, I was alone again. It wasn't until much later that 'M' and I started to talk again. And it all went uphill from there. I got into polytechnic, made new friends, and even graduated from there.
"People are like water flowing in a river. There is only one stream, but all who pass through it are affected differently. Some travel fast, some change their course... Experiencing countless events as they travel down the river of time..." - Margaret, Persona 4
Today, I still keep in touch with most of my old friends. It is my belief that they had already buried the hatchet, and let sleeping dogs lie. Although, I'd like to have a chance to formally apologise to each and everyone of them in the future. I'm no longer as good a friend to 'J' like I was during Secondary School. We were in completely different worlds, so it's hard to find a common subject to talk about, even when we met by chance in the train. I still keep very much in touch with 'M' though. I hope we'll still do this up till when we're old and dying, so that we can fulfill the 'Sitting in the coffeeshop when we're old and reminisce about the old days' idealogy we had. Looking back though, it has been a good run. I even dare say that these five years were among the best in my life so far. It was what transpired during these five years that made me into the person I am today, be it good or bad.
Even though I should really feel piss poor about myself right now because I looked back at all the shitty things that I've done, I'm actually kinda grateful. Grateful to the fact that I've learnt a lot of things from what happened to me. I still speak my damn mind all the time, but I try to keep the violence level to an all-time low. To be honest, I can't even remember the last time I got really pissed off. Even when the waiter at Sakae Sushi forgot to input my order last saturday and caused me to wait for half an hour, for some reason, I didn't feel angry at all. All I did was calmly reorder what I wanted. I don't know, maybe I've... "grown up"?
Hah. With all this talk about Persona and cosplaying recently, I do wonder: "Now that I've faced my other self, do I get a Persona?" Heh. Probably not. It'll be pretty cool if I can summon one though. And as much as I want to deny it, anime, cosplaying, and games are a huge huge part in my life. Although, I've severely narrowed down which particular genre I like. I gotta say though, the Persona series by Atlus hits the nail right on the spot. In my opinion, it ranks as a class S game. I don't know. I pretty much like all games with a school or high-school theme. Probably due to my burning desire to attend one myself. If Persona 5 came out on the 360, I'll buy it just for that game. Anime, well.... I can't really eject it out of my life even if I wanted to. My dream job as a mangaka works in that field anyway. I still don't like anime that are heavily centered around combat. Again, I enjoy anime or manga that has a school (-ish) theme. As for cosplaying, it's just something I look forward to every year with my friends. Granted, it's almost always an epic fail, because we don't have enough willing parties to cosplay anyway, but it IS fun once everything is settled. I've only cosplayed once before as a Hunter from Ragnarok Online, and will be cosplaying as Souji Seta, the main character of Persona 4 soon, but it's still a dang lot of fun. Huge amounts of cash are involved in it, with little to no gains. But why are cosplayers such as us willing to bust our money on something like this? Well, because it's fun.
In just 2 more minutes, the last page of this book will be turned. This is really the end. For all it's worth, this was a pretty good book... Not one that you would want to recommend to other people though. Now that I've finished reading this book, I can close it, stash it safely away in my memories, and bring the next book in the series out to read. How long will I take to read this? Well... who knows? I'll be taking my time on this one. I'm probably overreacting about this, but hell, it's good for some writing practices anyway. And there you have it. The last memories and thoughts of a teenage boy. The next time I show myself to the world, I'll be a sexy hunk who is more than qualified to work in a gentlemen's cafe. And there we go. I'm closing this book with a quote from my favourite game. Thank you... To everyone, for all the memories you have given me. The young boy inside of me will hold these memories dear.
"Truth is a thing which only appears to those who have observed, considered, and made a choice. At the end of the path you chose lies the truth... Believe in it and continue without faltering." - Igor, Persona 4
Back in Secondary School, I was a capital-A Asshole. Even way back in Secondary 1. I was also a 'SOB' who gets angry very very easily. To make things worse, I look like a frickin' nerd with short pants back then. Needless to say, I have a lot of "hidden enemies". People didn't like me, but they never actually told me straight to the face, so I took them for granted. I got progressively worse in Secondary 2. I acted like a high and mighty bastard who thought he knew what he was doing. There was a period of time which really stuck to my memory, where there was a molester prowling around in my neighborhood, with my own sister being one of his victims. Because I really liked this girl back then and I feared she might be the molester's next victim, I offered to be a "Guardian" of some sort to her. Without her consent, I began to escort her to school every single morning. Without her consent, I refused to let anybody near her. My memory has gotten really fuzzy up till this point. I only remember that, being the nice girl that she was, she politely rejected my "services" after a week or so. I still didn't feel like an idiot back then. In fact, I thought that I was some kind of a hero, which I'm evidently not. Up till today, I still haven't told the girl that I liked her, but my feelings for her had already long dissipated. I somewhat "un-nerdified" during Secondary 2, but I was still an asshole. I openly stated I hated one of my classmates, who was called 'E' and thought I had people to back me up. Though, looking back, I had none. It was also during this year that one of my best friends transferred into my class, although we barely knew each other then.
During Secondary 3, I was thrown into a class together with the biggest bunch of assholes and bitches ever to be assembled. This was the start of my upper secondary life, marked by our transition from short pants to long pants. This was when it started to get good. These assholes and bitches became somewhat like brothers and sisters to me. Starting from this year, we were known as the infamous 'Class 3-2'. Every other morning, we would be in the morning assembly. Not that it was anything good mind you. It was usually because of disciplinary issues. Because most of my new classmates were unknown, I stuck around the group of friends that got into the same class as me. Still being the poor oblivious fucker, I continued taking their friendship (if you could call it that) for granted. I treated my newer friends like dirt, because I barely knew them at all. This also marked my beginning in the game, 'Ragnarok Online'. That same bunch of friends and myself played in the same private server, with me establishing a guild named 'Celestial'. I vaguely recall that this was one of the earliest time that I made friends with my good buddy 'M'. If I recall correctly, 'M' was also one of the first few members of my guild. Together with him, we embarked on a boss-killing spree. We could down almost all the bosses with just us two. However, after the actual boss was dead, I kept all of the loot and did not share it with 'M'. Asshole much? Yeah. My other friends started to join and... that was that. We established a name for ourselves on that server and even owned a castle. Back in real life, I remember that most of my classmates picked on this poor dude called 'Ka'. I'm ashamed to say that I partook in the initial bullying of 'Ka'.
"Now I face out, I hold out, I reach out to the truth of my life. Seeking to seize on the whole moment to now break away." - Reach Out to the Truth, Persona 4
The end of year examinations came, and I just barely made it past into Secondary 4. Our class was now known as 'Class 4-2'. The bunch of us was still playing RO happily. Until an incident happened. One fine day, while we were playing, I recieved a PM from 'E'. The message was something like 'Hey man, the other castle has no defenders, want me to sneak in and break the emperium?'. I still hated him (for reasons that I've forgotten) at that time, and I wanted to get him in some way. I then approved of his actions to take the castle for ourselves. One day later, the owners of said castle came online, and was shocked to see that it had already changed hands. They had invested millions of zeny (currency in RO) into the castle. And because we (I?) took it from them, the millions of zeny that were pumped into the castle had all went down the drain. The entire server went into an uproar. I was confronted by the leader of the now castleless guild. Being scared and afraid, I pushed all the blame to 'E', stating he was the one who attacked the castle and I had nothing to do with it. This pacified things with the leader of the guild. However, it was a completely different story with 'E' and my group of friends then. Because of my actions, I was ostracized and shunned by them both in real life, and in-game. During gatherings in school, I was always sitting alone by myself, while there was a huge group of my once friends sitting at the other end of the room. In-game, all of them left the guild and made one of their own, which I could only remember as the 'Pikachu Guild'. Needless to say, it didn't feel very good at all. I apologised to them a week later, and they seemingly accepted the apology. But they didn't come back. The deed was done. I treated it as an open message from them saying that they hate me. During all this hoo-hah, one guy stood his ground with me in the guild, and that was 'M'. It was like a pillar of light shining through pitch black darkness then. He questioned me about my decision then, but I made excuses.
It wasn't until many years later that I finally found the courage to admit to my misdeeds. I think it was during this period of time that I was officially picked up by 'J' and 'M'. They were my best and possibly only friends then. We called ourselves 'The Outcasts' and even named ourselves 'JMF', going as far as drinking an absolutely disgusting pile of shit (we called it the 'Brotherhood Drink') during graduation day. I also remember that we used to go to the nearby food court and eat noodles every single day after school. Of course, while all this happened stealthily, the rest of my classmates was still doing their same antics. And although my prior group of friends and I no longer clicked, we were still on speakable terms. My class totally destroyed the school that year. We made teachers cry. We engage in fights. We vandalized our classroom to such an extent that it looked more like a fish market than a classroom. We hung our dirty, wet, and smelly laundry in class. We boycotted tuitions. We stared down on juniors who came into our classroom until they didn't dare to come in again. We played beyblades and yoyos in class. 'Twas awesome really. It was like the school deliberately dumped all the delinquents into the same class so as to minimise casualties.
Then came the end of the year. I failed Math in the O Levels. Because of this, I was forced to retake the subject for one year. During this time, the legendary 'Class 4-2' was disbanded. And from what I heard from my juniors then, the next class 4-2 was a bunch of goody-two-shoes. Nothing at all like us. I remember that during this time, I had a falling out with 'J' over something. This part of what he said also stuck to my memory: '..... at least I got somewhere to go.' He was evidently mocking the fact that I was unable to furthur my studies while he could. I grew emo and I distanced myself away from everybody. It was then that I openly told everyone in a blog post, that I hated all of them. Even 'M'. For a long period of time, I was alone again. It wasn't until much later that 'M' and I started to talk again. And it all went uphill from there. I got into polytechnic, made new friends, and even graduated from there.
"People are like water flowing in a river. There is only one stream, but all who pass through it are affected differently. Some travel fast, some change their course... Experiencing countless events as they travel down the river of time..." - Margaret, Persona 4
Today, I still keep in touch with most of my old friends. It is my belief that they had already buried the hatchet, and let sleeping dogs lie. Although, I'd like to have a chance to formally apologise to each and everyone of them in the future. I'm no longer as good a friend to 'J' like I was during Secondary School. We were in completely different worlds, so it's hard to find a common subject to talk about, even when we met by chance in the train. I still keep very much in touch with 'M' though. I hope we'll still do this up till when we're old and dying, so that we can fulfill the 'Sitting in the coffeeshop when we're old and reminisce about the old days' idealogy we had. Looking back though, it has been a good run. I even dare say that these five years were among the best in my life so far. It was what transpired during these five years that made me into the person I am today, be it good or bad.
Even though I should really feel piss poor about myself right now because I looked back at all the shitty things that I've done, I'm actually kinda grateful. Grateful to the fact that I've learnt a lot of things from what happened to me. I still speak my damn mind all the time, but I try to keep the violence level to an all-time low. To be honest, I can't even remember the last time I got really pissed off. Even when the waiter at Sakae Sushi forgot to input my order last saturday and caused me to wait for half an hour, for some reason, I didn't feel angry at all. All I did was calmly reorder what I wanted. I don't know, maybe I've... "grown up"?
Hah. With all this talk about Persona and cosplaying recently, I do wonder: "Now that I've faced my other self, do I get a Persona?" Heh. Probably not. It'll be pretty cool if I can summon one though. And as much as I want to deny it, anime, cosplaying, and games are a huge huge part in my life. Although, I've severely narrowed down which particular genre I like. I gotta say though, the Persona series by Atlus hits the nail right on the spot. In my opinion, it ranks as a class S game. I don't know. I pretty much like all games with a school or high-school theme. Probably due to my burning desire to attend one myself. If Persona 5 came out on the 360, I'll buy it just for that game. Anime, well.... I can't really eject it out of my life even if I wanted to. My dream job as a mangaka works in that field anyway. I still don't like anime that are heavily centered around combat. Again, I enjoy anime or manga that has a school (-ish) theme. As for cosplaying, it's just something I look forward to every year with my friends. Granted, it's almost always an epic fail, because we don't have enough willing parties to cosplay anyway, but it IS fun once everything is settled. I've only cosplayed once before as a Hunter from Ragnarok Online, and will be cosplaying as Souji Seta, the main character of Persona 4 soon, but it's still a dang lot of fun. Huge amounts of cash are involved in it, with little to no gains. But why are cosplayers such as us willing to bust our money on something like this? Well, because it's fun.
In just 2 more minutes, the last page of this book will be turned. This is really the end. For all it's worth, this was a pretty good book... Not one that you would want to recommend to other people though. Now that I've finished reading this book, I can close it, stash it safely away in my memories, and bring the next book in the series out to read. How long will I take to read this? Well... who knows? I'll be taking my time on this one. I'm probably overreacting about this, but hell, it's good for some writing practices anyway. And there you have it. The last memories and thoughts of a teenage boy. The next time I show myself to the world, I'll be a sexy hunk who is more than qualified to work in a gentlemen's cafe. And there we go. I'm closing this book with a quote from my favourite game. Thank you... To everyone, for all the memories you have given me. The young boy inside of me will hold these memories dear.
"Truth is a thing which only appears to those who have observed, considered, and made a choice. At the end of the path you chose lies the truth... Believe in it and continue without faltering." - Igor, Persona 4
posted by Flavian | 1:13 AM
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