Thoughts and Memories

Just a man and his thoughts

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Here it comes again... Again.

I've been using the iPhone app of Blogger to write my posts, so this is one of the only few times I'm using my own computer to do so. And surprisingly, from the statistics on the front page, this blog actually gets page views. But with such a generic address, I'm not really surprised. Page views are probably from people accidentely stumbling onto this blog when they're searching for something via Google. I don't give a damn about page views in any case, so why am I talking about this?

2 posts on 2 consecutive days must be a record for me. Disregarding the blog I wrote during my secondary days, this must be a first for me ever since the latter was shut down. Though, one may count this particular post as a follow up to the last one, since I don't have the capacity to sit through and type a long post. In my last post, I talked about how somebody reignited the feeling of love within me. I met her again today. But it wasn't just the two of us. It was more of an "Outside Class Lesson" as my Sensei put it. Ergo, most of the class was there. Now, there's this other guy in the class, lets call him John. John is probably in every way better than me. He stays in a condominium, so he's probably wealthy. He's definitely better than me in terms of Academics. He's a lot more outgoing compared to the relatively introverted me. The only thing that I'm better at are sports, but that's not saying much. Why am I talking about John? Because deep down, I always felt that the girl in question admires him. Perhaps not necessarily to the point of love, but yeah. John had told me he had a Japanese girlfriend, so I'm probably safe on the notion of him not liking the girl I like. If that's the case, why am I seemingly spouting incoherant nonsense again?

Back in secondary school, whenever the girl I liked, communicated in close proximity with another guy, I got really really jealous. Now, this is something I'd like to call a "Seed of Evil" that resides within me. It's not a good feeling, and I get touched by the Seed more often than not. It's something that I've yet to conquer. But seeing as how I have not liked anyone since Secondary 3, which was roughly 7 years ago, that is to be expected. Compared to my past shitty self, I'm definitely a lot more matured than he is. And being more matured has allowed me to point out this "Seed" before it got any worse. See where this is going? Seeing the girl I like - let's call her Jane -, communicating in close proximity to John awakened the dormant "Seed" that is inside of me. This sucks. This should not happen. John is a wonderful friend, and I should continue this friendship instead of feeling malice. This is probably one of the biggest things I should conquer before I'm qualified to love somebody again. This "Seed" is the reason most relationships fail. Because the male failed to fully trust the female and/or vice versa. Defeating this "Seed" isn't an easy task. Failure would mean spoiling a perfectly good friendship, and potentially costing me a relationship with the girl. I don't know how I can do it, but I will try.

In other dreaded related news, I messed up a perfectly good chance to talk to her during our train ride home. Granted, we were only left alone 4 stops before I had to alight, but that should be more than enough time to strike a conversation, and maybe continuing it via Whatsapp or SMS. I can only blame myself for this failure, as I was too much of a wuss to start talking to her. Funny thing is, I used to have no problem talking to her. After confirming and reinforcing my affection for her though, it all started downhill. Like I wrote in my previous post, I tend to think up a lot of different factors rather than thinking of how to initiate a conversation. I have no idea what to say to her anymore. Though I currently have one chance to talk to her, and another when I attempt to give her her gift when it arrives. Again, I shall try.

This is regressing back to my old secondary school days blog. Slowly, I start losing the interest to attempt to write in slightly more complex English. Slowly, the blog will turn into a page of rant and worries instead of writing practices. Are these due to effects of being in love? They say a man loses all notion of calmness and tactness when facing somebody he likes. I guess that falls to me as well. I like the feeling of liking someone, but I don't like the fact that it's interferring with my ability to produce something creative, or enjoy the things that I like doing. I spend these time worrying about her, fretting about how to talk to her, and thinking up of ways to make myself more attractive so that I can appeal to her more. She likes the boy bands produced by the japanese company "Johnny", and yes, they are pretty boys. Though she doesn't seem like the type to fancy looks in real relationships.

Gah. See, it's happening again. Save me, Love Gurus!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Here it comes again

I'm confused. Or troubled to say the least. This feeling that I thought I'd lost after secondary school had resurfaced within me these few weeks. Though, looking back, that was more of a teenager's crush instead of something real. This time however, when I thought it wasn't possible to find that right somebody for me, I found her.

The girl in question is a fellow classmate at my Japanese Language class. I had no idea when these feelings started, but it did. I experienced none of this during my 3 years in Polytechnic, even with a girl amongst my best group of friends. It's here this time though. She might not be considered a Class A beauty to most, but she's insanely cute in my eyes. Bespectacled, and petite with long hair. Though her looks isn't what attracted me to her, it's more of her personality. She's smart, have an equal amount of interest in Japanese culture than me, cosplays, and generally does basically the same stuff as me, excluding drawing,

This began my official courtship of her. I messaged her, tried to talk more to her in class and after, invite her out, though only once, basically wanting to know more about her. My stupid mind tends to drift off to different stuff though. As much as possible, when we talk through SMS, I try to strike up or continue the conversation. When she doesn't reply for a long while though, I tend to think: "Am I overdoing this? Is she pissed off at me for some reason? Did I drop too big of a notification that I like her? Did the message not get sent through?". WTF brain. She could just be busy, lost Internet connection, or something along those lines. Sometimes I even think that she already has that significant someone and all I'm doing is for naught. I'm a pretty pessimistic person, so I tend to think of these things a lot. And when I do, that impedes my ability to produce anything creative, enjoy what I'm doing, and not feel like doing anything in general. Gah. Fuck my brain.

I do hope this works out though, this is my very first time actively pursuing a girl that I like, and I'm trying to do things in moderation as much as I can. It's about time I started fighting for what I want.