Remembering the Past

I have time. Too much time on my hands in fact. What do I do every book out? Well, games, games, and more games. I tell myself subconsciously that I can't play games in camp, and therefore I must spend almost every waking moment of my bookout time playing them. Now that bringing of gaming devices are permitted in camp, where does this leave me? Once I think about that, I think about other things. I think about my future dream. I think about how I've been neglecting to brush up my drawing and japanese skills for the past year. Sure, of course, I've been roughly doodling here and there. But never sitting down to draw something major. I'm scared to think that I might have lost interest.

Back then. I used to lose much sleep over drawing. I try to get my products out with as little imperfections as possible. And now, I can't even bother to sit down to finish a small doodle. I think the spark that kept me going during my secondary school and polytechnic days is gone over the course of last year. Enlisting into the army was a pretty big life-changer for me, but that doesn't warrant an excuse for not practising what I do does it? I haven't forgotten about that promise I gave to my old classmates, but I'm just too lazy right now. Maybe things will change when my army life tones down a little, which should be around 4 to 6 months from now, after Australia. For now, I don't think my current lifestyle should be carried on much longer. It's not just about games, I've been blowing my money on cards too.

These cards were initially used as entertainment in camp. I have fun playing them with my friends. Nowadays though, it has degraded to almost nothing. Everybody is more interested in their PSPs, I-Touches, and DSs. Even so, I can't seem to stop buying new cards. I'm a collector by nature. Once I see something nice, something that appeals to me, I'll obtain it at any cost. This applies to said cards as well. At a glance, they are just pieces of cardboard with fancy designs or artwork on them. I would like to deny that fact, but no. It is as I said, they're just cardboard. Why am I spending money on cardboard when I could have been saving them up for my eventual Japan immigration? I have no idea myself. But, as a personal promise to myself, this stops now.

Life has been pretty stagnant ever since I enlisted. It goes the same way every single week. 5 days of hell and suffering in camp, 2 days of relaxation at home. Nothing changes, it's been the same boring shit since day 1. I got no choice in the matter too. A lot of times, I've been thinking back to the good old days in the past. Days that I've never treasured until now. Back then, as a young and stupid kid, I did plenty of idiotic things. They may have been idiotic, but they're fun. Especially if you're together with friends. What's even better? You will never get punished. Punishment is moot during secondary school, where teenagers are at their most rebellious. It applies to polytechnic students too.

If I think about it in more detail, I've already been thrown out into the working world. I will be continuing my studies after army, but still, this is a pretty valid working environment. Like I've written in a blog post before I enlisted, I can no longer consider myself a teenager, but a young working adult. Decisions that I make have more impact on my life. Even so, I still like to be a teenager again. That's an impossibility however, but a man can still dream. In my case, I pen and draw down the multiple lives that I never lived. Those in turn, serve as a backdrop or initial ideas for stories, which in turn becomes a manga. I do have a short manga I've drawn, but I've tucked it away. Because I still don't think I'm good enough. All the more I need to practise again. All the more I need to start getting my shit back together.

And this, my friends, is the spark that I've talked about. It's there. It's still there. It's just waiting for me to kick start it again.